Deadly Winter...
Whose Woods These Are	Hazy Shades of Winter

Each winter, we incur millions of dollars in unneeded expense as a result of harsh winter weather. Not only do we have to pay for snow removal, repetitively moving tons of frozen water from here to there, but we have to pay to repair collateral damage. This includes wear and tear to roads, removal of broken trees, premature aging of paint finishes and other exterior decoration, and deterioration of roofing materials. Heating cost is skyrocketing. Salt spoils our waterways and rusts our cars. There is also a serious problem of automobile accidents in wintertime.

Further economic harm is incurred as a result of injuries resulting from overexertion. The most common trigger for heart failure in middle aged men is snow removal. Finally, there is the very real cost of tardiness, early departure, and absenteeism in the workplace. Winter weather is a very costly problem.
 

Economic Impact...
Dangerous Driving for Diesel Dreadnought	Why Must We Endure This Senseless Waste?

My friends, the solution is in our hands. Science has proven that by the simple emission of carbon dioxide and other combustion by products, the temperature of the Earth can be raised. It is very possible that within our lifetime the curse of frozen winters can be eliminated forever. To effect this miracle, it is only necessary for people to do what they love to do: consume petroleum products. Drive your cars. Keep your homes warm. Live in comfort. It's that easy.

 I'll share my plan. First of all, I live on a hilltop in Northern Westchester. This is key: global warming will cause the oceans to rise, due to the melting of polar ice caps. It's my expectation that by the time I retire, a sweet blue ocean will be lapping at the foot of my driveway. But I won't be on an island. I've carefully considered the topology of my mountain, and I expect that the back of my property will remain firmly attached to the mainland, even as the front transforms into a glorious tropical beach. We will have barbecues every day for friends and family.
 

Imagine...
One Blue Sky Above Us,  One Ocean Lapping at Our Shore	Someone's Having a Barbecue

To help things along, I've chosen an unabashedly consumption oriented lifestyle. I keep my house nice and warm in winter, cool in summer. I own six cars, only one of which regularly gets more than 20 MPG. Three of them are vintage cars, totally free of pollution control mechanisms. One is a delightfully fragrant Diesel. I drive to my heart's content, including a lengthy commute of 100 miles a day. For recreation, I race an all out sports car or drive to vintage car shows, where I can mingle with other folks who are also proud consumers. Yes, my friends...all this, and global warming to boot. Life is so good!
 

Living in Comfort...
Race Cars	Happy Consumers	Guzzler Show

There is a major regional concern, as so much of the population of New York lives in precarious low lying areas, like Manhattan. The time to move (literally) is now, while there's still time. It's expected that the engorged oceans will rise about three hundred feet, leaving much of New York under water. A careful inventory must be conducted to see which buildings will remain viable after the great inundation. Those buildings should be sealed to at least the thirtieth floor. The lower floors can then be filled in with a slurry of portland cement, sewage sludge and incinerator ash. This will harden to a rock-like consistency, allowing the upper stories to remain habitable for, in my estimation, more than 400 years. This process will also solve the city's waste disposal problem for the next twenty years or so. Smaller buildings must be demolished to prevent hazards to shipping. The resulting refugee population will need to be relocated to new seaport communities in Valhalla, Danbury, and  Monroe.
 

Regional Issues...
Wanted: Venetian Gondolier	All You See will Soon be Sea

It's critical to salvage our cultural institutions. I'm sure all would agree that the Bronx Zoo, being populated by  innocent animals, must be at the top of the list for rescue. A couple of hundred acres of farmland in Kansas can be set aside for this purpose. This will, of course, result in a decline in attendance, which can only benefit the animals. The Aquarium will simply be absorbed into the new Brooklyn Sea. Museums in the highlands can probably relocate the collections of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the Museum of Natural History, and the New York Public Library. There's no point in salvaging the Museum of the City of NY, as the City will effectively have ceased to exist. The flooding of the Guggenheim and MOMA can be considered "performance art", so no salvage attempt need be made. Most importantly,  the World Trade Center will remain viable as a TV broadcasting tower for years to come.
 

Think Global: Act Local...

Saving the Animals

Copyright©2001 Michael Frank, New York. All Rights Reserved.